So What Are We Wrong?

SO WHAT ARE WE DOING WRONG?

“Our school was among pine trees resembling a forest. A cozy campus with ivy wrapping the stone buildings. There were cafeterias where the faculties intersected. No one could resist the smell of crispy bagels while walking in the morning. In between classes, young people would spend time either in the cafeteria or on the grass. Some would chat, some would play instruments, some would study.

I met Ahmet on that grass and he seemed sympathetic even from the first time I saw him. He was both cool and sensible. One of his friends had his money stolen. He gave him his entire scholarship without leaving a penny for himself. He had a way of loving those he loved very much. I guess I wanted him to love me like that. How could I have known it would end like this?”

Esra was telling her aunt about her university years and Ahmet. Esra and Ahmet got married a year after they graduated from school. They had two children, a girl and a boy. As in every family, they would have small arguments and then they would settle it. On weekends they liked to go on picnics as a family. When Ahmet came home tired from work, Esra would take extra care of him. If Esra had a problem, Ahmet would immediately understand and support her. Ahmet was very fond of Esra, as she had once dreamed of. And Esra was very happy with this intense interest.

The Balance is Shifting

Over time Ahmetwanted to start his own business, he had a strong desire to grow his business. He wanted to make it worth leaving his beloved hometown and going abroad. He sold everything he had and borrowed some money. He opened his dream shop. Ahmet sighed on the opening day “Thank God it's over.” But everything was just starting.

Opening a new business was like starting an apprenticeship all over again. He was working hard, but he couldn't get the results he wanted. He had payments to make. He had no time to spare and he was not doing much for home. He was always coming home late. The children longed for their father. His busy schedule became such that Ahmet couldn't think about the needs of the house. He forgot to pay the bills and missed the market. “You'll manage, we're almost there,” he would say, but months passed.

In the beginning, Esra showed mercy to her husband. She took care of all the needs of the children on her own. She shouldered all the needs of the house alone, including grocery, market, bills. However, her favors turned into her responsibilities over time. If Ahmet saw that a bill was not paid, he would get angry, “Why didn't you take care of it?”.

For Ahmet, home was just a place where he came to sleep. Seda, his little daughter, missed her father so much that when he came over, she would act cute and refused to get off his lap. But Ahmet was always very tired. Esra, on the other hand, felt unhappy and lonely but could do nothing but watch what was happening. One day Ahmet couldn't stand the insistence any longer and took his little daughter Seda to work. His employees were asking questions about Seda, but Ahmet either didn't care or often gave the wrong answer. He couldn't take care of anything for the children. All his energy was consumed by his work.

Ahmet's busyness at work made him passive at home in his relations with his family. Esra had turned into a compromising person who took on all the responsibilities. If someone mentioned something against Ahmet, she couldn't accept it and would defensively say “He's not like that, it's because of his job.”  And then she would have outbursts of anger. Until she confided in her aunt Asuman…

Her aunt told her something very important. “Every human being desires something from life. The aim is to be happier and more successful. These desires can be tangible or intangible. Friends, spouse, children, money, profession, career, identity, being loved, admired, accepted. When people go to the extremes in what they want, this extremism spills over into other areas of their lives. We need to be very careful about this.” 

The Experiential Design Teaching says: Everything in excess is hazardous.

Ahmet, too, was estranged from his family because his desire to succeed in his work had gone too far. His work, which was supposed to be a benefit, became a hazard to him and his family. Esra had taken over most of the responsibilities of her husband. Surprisingly, he was no longer as fond of her as before. He had even started to mistreat her. The compromises Esra made due to her excessive desire to be loved had upset the balance in the relationship.

In the stream of life, sometimes people are not even aware of it. Behaviors that begin innocently with very good intentions turn into compromises and their relationship can get out of balance.

Could it be that we may have agendas that are out of balance, that we have gone to extremes?

Have we ever thought, what are we doing wrong?

What are we unable to adjust the amount, what are we missing the consistency? 

Experiential Design Teaching is a science of reality that shapes the future with past experiences. It teaches the methods that individuals need to solve their problems and reach their goals.

It offers strategies to people who want to be happy and successful with the programs "Who is Who", "Mastery in Relationship" and "Success Psychology".

“What can "one" person matter among billions of people?

Ask that “one” person for the answer!”

 

Yahya Hamurcu